The Virgin Joke [May 22nd, 2007] I dated a guy when I first moved to town for about a month. I knew that he was a virgin before we even started dating, and I really didn't want to have sex with him. I know it's not the same with guys as it is with girls, but I knew that he was a rebound going into the relationship. After about a month of him begging and pleading to have sex with me, I finally decided to give in and just let him lose his virginity to me. He kept telling me that sex wasn't the same to guys as it was to girls, which I had known from previous observation of boys. After all, he was the virgin, not me. The awkwardness began when he took off his shirt. You see, my ex was about 6'5" and weighed about 120 lbs. Skinny is an understatement. I could see every single rib on his stomach & his collarbone poked almost through his skin. I actually wanted to vomit after looking at him shirtless. When he got ontop of me to slide in, I could feel his hipbones jab into mine sharply. I'm not fat, but I suppose any girl would feel uncomfortable with feeling someone bones rub against her own. He wasn't small by any means necessary, but as we all know, that's not even half of it. The sex was awful, which I expected. I knew it would be bad, but I guess I was hoping he had watched enough pornography to know a little bit of what he was doing. WRONGGGG! Oh God how I was so very wrong. I tried to make it better by moving around, but after a while, I just got frustrated and laid there like a dead fish. It didn't take him long to finish, of course, and I was definitely happy for it to be over. I felt super bad about doing this because I could tell already that he was going to be needy. This wasn't good. He picked up the condom and looked at me with a shocked look on his face. "I think the condom broke..." "What?!?" I shreiked, mainly because I wasn't on birth control at the time. I looked down at the condom he was hold and I bit my tongue to keep from laughing hysterically. There was lubricant coming off of the condom. He had mistaken LUBRICANT for his own CUM! I didn't quite no what to say to him, so I put on my clothes and led him downstairs and out of the house. Needless to say, he became needy and whiny, and I started to resent him. 3 months later it was over. I'm not sure why I stayed with him that long... temporary insanity, anyone? 0 reply?

The Lexus Blowjob [May 1st, 2007] Ever since the popularity of friend websites such as Myspace & Facebook have hit the world by storm, more and more people have been meeting what they hope to be "significant others" through these websites. They provide a way to get to know someone, with out leaving the comfort zone of your own home. I, too, am guilty of meeting several people through these two websites. One of which, happens to stick in my mind more than the others. I had just moved to the outskirts of Washington, DC and since I wasn't in any type of school, I was finding it hard to meet people. I started making "friends" through myspace. I was talking to a guy by the name of, well... let's face it... I don't really remember his name, so we will call him... James. James and I talked online several times, and he seemed to be pretty cute, made quite a bit of money, but like most guys, was only looking for sex. Of course, I didn't really care on way or the other. I knew I didn't want to have sex, because at the time, I was still a virgin. Yes, I'm dead serious. Anyway, I guess I was around 17, and he had claimed to be 22. However, he had the mental state of a 16 year old, so needless to say, we sort of clicked. Ignoring the years and years of lecturing that my mom had given me about meeting someone in person that I had been talking to online, I agreed to meet him at the local chili's by my house. As I pulled up, I was nervous, but I didn't really know why. Not knowing what he drove was a trick in it's own right. As I'm standing by my car, I see a somewhat young guy pull up in a brand new Lexus IS350. Low and behold, "James" walks up to me and introduces himself. I was so impressed by the car that I was speechless. I barely could muster up the word, "hi". I was "star-struck" so to speak. Anyway, we sat down and had a semi-decent meal, which he paid for and then he asked if I wanted to ride in his car. Well, duh. We all know that stupid me said yes, actually thinking that all he wanted to do was take me on an innocent car ride. WRONG! Wait, say it with me now... W-R-R-O-N-N-G!!! He drove around some back roads, and we ended up behind Wal-mart in pure daylight. He looked at me for what seemed like 10 minutes, but in reality couldn't have been more than 10 seconds. He looked at me as if he was trying to figure out any and all dark secrets that I may have. "Suck my dick..." he said bluntly. "What?!?" I blurted out. "I said, suck my dick... I know you want to.." he coyly added. "Umm... actually... that hadn't even crossed my mind." I said, with half truth. The truth is, I didn't really want to do it, but at the same time... I had never given head in a car before, so my bad half was telling me to go for it. Before I could agree to let my bad half get the better of me, I looked down to see one of the smallest penises I have ever seen in my whole life. Apparently the joke about men with expensive, flashy cars is true. I bit my lower lip to keep from laughing. Knowing good and damn well that this wouldn't be a problem because of the pint size "trigger" he was carrying below his waist, I leaned over the console and started sucking on it. Was this a joke? Was this really happening? Was I sucking on a penis the size of a 3rd graders in one of the nicest cars I had yet to have been in, behind a god damned Wal-Mart? I started to come up to breathe and all of a sudden I felt a heavy hand push my head back down. Choke. Choke. Choke. Gag. Was this guy serious? Was he trying to make me throw up? I went to get air again and again he pushed me down. Starting to get a little peeved, I started to breathe as much as I could through my nose. His hand was heavy and sweaty on the back of my neck. I felt like I should've been getting paid to do this. And finally there it was... the creamy, spunky taste of his pleasure. I sat up with his cum still in my mouth, and I looked dead on to him. I smiled a crooked smile with his juice was still in my mouth and then... I spat it all over his face. "You fucking bitch..." he screamed. I unlocked the door quickly, grabbed my purse and ran into the back entrance of Wal-Mart. Knowing he wouldn't wait for me, and wouldn't follow me in with that stuff on his face, I waited in Wal-Mart for about 25 minutes, left and walked the 2 miles back to my car. I was utterly satisfied with myself. Though what I had done had been gross, what he had done had been rude and uncalled for. I felt that it was justified. As I got in my car, I immediately called my best friend back home to tell her all about it... 0 reply?

2 Pump Chump's Premature Ejaculation... [April 29th, 2007] It all started after a few guys invited themselves over to Kristin's* after going to a strip club. I was visiting her from Texas, and was pretty much up for anything. After failing to get through a round of King's and waking up her roommate, I went into her room and laid down on the floor. I was almost asleep, when a guy, whom I couldn't for the life of me remember his name, started grinding up behind me. Yes, I was spooning with Mr. No Name on her bedroom floor. After a little bit, I could feel him breathing on the back of my neck. His breath smelled of cheap cigarettes and even cheaper beer. If this guy tried to kiss me, I would surely vomit. I was pretty intoxicated, so when he asked to go to the bathroom for a quickie, I didn't really have the sense to say no. After all, he was decently good looking, I could do this. Once we got into the bathroom, I took off my clothes, as did he. I refused to let him kiss me though, the stench of his breath was all too much for me to handle.  He bent me over the sink slowly, and tried to have sex with me.  Key word there, is tried. This loser wasn't even hard, which, granted, this wasn't the first time this had happened to me.  It probably won't be the last time this ever happens either.  I laughed slightly, as he told me to lay down on the ground. As if him leaning over me would make it long enough or hard enough to put it inside of me. I rolled my eyes at his attempts. He asked me to suck on his dick, which I refused, telling him I was afraid that I would throw up if I did.  With this, he started to rub it to get it hard.  I wasn't really watching him, I was more or less just hoping that it would be over soon.  Well, it was over sooner that I had thought.  About 2 seconds later I heard, "Uhhh... Well... I guess not tonight honey." I sat up and looked at him.  After 2 seconds of masterbating to "get hard", he had came all over his hand and arm.  I was shocked, and somewhat grossed out at the fact that this had happened.  I, however, was also speechless.  I pulled my panties up so fast that I didn't even remember pulling them up. I pulled on my shirt and pants at the same speed.  I looked down at this pathetic man washing his own cum off of his arm and wondered why I kept falling for such losers.  Perhaps I attracted them... Or perhaps I was attracted to them. I told him to move so that I could get out of the bathroom. I walked into the living room and sat down still in awe. No one said anything to me, they all had assumed we had actually had sex. I later informed them of 2 pump chump's hysterical moment.  As I walked back into the bedroom to grab my pillow, there he was on it, snoring & slobering.  Just my luck. 0 reply?

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